So I have been thinking a lot about my life lately and some thoughts have come to my mind. I often get chastised by my family for being too public and sharing thoughts and feelings I have. For me writing is very therapeutic...I am an impulsive person and sometimes I just have to get my feelings out there and bounce ideas off of people. I have been doing some self-evaluation lately and am very happy with how my life is going and where I am in my life. Although I wonder about how things would be if I would have stayed in Charlotte or if Shell and I would have stayed married or whatever it may be. Now don't get me wrong, I am very happy with my life and the opportunities that are presenting themselves down here. Sometimes I just miss having someone to wake up to, I miss having a place of my own and being out on my own. I love my family very much and am so grateful for the support they have given me, not only these last 2-3 years, but my whole life.
It's not easy being divorced...especially in the church. I remember after Shell and I were separated and I moved and was in a different ward and people would ask where my wife was and when I told them I was separated they would end the conversation and moved on. It's like that part in "Singles Ward" when Jonathan is talking about have a "recall" sign on his forehead. Divorce is not an easy thing. It's something that I pray that my friends and family will never have to feel the pain of. Now those that know me well know that I am a very emotional person, which often leaves me vulnerable. I am not afraid to share my thoughts and feelings with people, even total strangers. This is going to be a very random note and will probably be all over the place. I think I am mostly writing this for myself, which I often do, but this is something that I just wanted to do.
Lately I have felt the urge to move...to leave where I am right now and just take some time for myself. I feel like I am not where I need to be. Like I am missing where I need to be. I have been praying for the last few weeks as to where I need to be but haven't felt like I've gotten an answer. Maybe I'm just not listening well enough. I dunno. Like I said this is gonna be very random, seeing as it is almost 3 am and all. I am a nice guy, always the nice guy, always the friend. I don't wanna be the friend. I wanna be the guy that the girls want to date. I want to be the person people want to be around. I just wanna have someone that cares about me and that I care about. I see how happy my siblings are in their marriages, how happy my friends who are married are. Even those in relationships. I want that. Is it bad to want that? I didn't really have that when I was married. I always felt like I was constantly giving with out receiving anything in return. I became someone who I wasn't and it took me a while to get back to myself. I finally feel like I am back to being myself again. I feel like I am happy with who I am. Now there are things that I am working on as far as improving myself, but I believe that's what life is about. Daily improving...making ourselves the best we can be. My parents are amazing people. Those of yo who know them can definitely agree to this. They did everything they could while Laly, Joe and I were growing up, to make sure we had what we needed. Especially spiritually. My parents are the best example I can think of whenever it comes to being Christlike. They raised my sister, brother, and I in ways that many people could call old fashioned, but ways I am grateful for. I wasn't the easiest or cheapest child, teen, or even adult. My parents had to deal with a lot with me. I think I am probably one of the main reasons my dad is bald...lol...but they not once complained about helping me with all the hospital bills, tickets, 3 colleges, bills, maxed out credit cards or anything like that. I am truly blessed. I love my siblings. They are truly amazing. Joe is the best brother any one could ask for. He has always been my protector and guide and one of the first people I turn to when I need guidance or help. He and I have had our moments in the past, but he is one of my best friends and I would NEVER trade him for any other brother. He and I are polar opposites in many things, and that has led to a few misunderstandings, but the one thing about Joe is he has ALWAYS tried to understand me and what I am going through. I am so grateful to not only have him as my brother, but as my best friend. Laly and I are a little farther apart in age, but that never stopped us from doing things together or hanging out. In face I think the two car accidents Laly had in her first car, I was with her. Lol. She and I are more similar in the things we have gone through. I think it has been a little easier for her to understand me and what I go through since she also has ADD. I love my sister and the wonderful person she is. I also have an amazing brother-in-law and sister-in-law. Paul, Laly's husband, is a great example of an amazing husband and father. He has always been very patient with me when I've had my issues and has taught me a lot. Lacy, Joe's wife, is always there when I need someone to talk to and to just listen when I talk. She is always willing to just let me talk and just listen. I am grateful for that. I have the best mother in the world. I believe that my mother is the most self-less person I can think of, next to the Savior. She deals with a crippling disease every day, but never complains about how much she is hurting. She is always ALWAYS willing to help others, even if it's not convenient for her. My mom is one of the sweetest, most beautiful perple ever. Inside and out. She is always fighting for me and encouraging me to be better. Even if I don't always appreciate it.I hope that when I get remarried one day that I can find a woman that has the same amazing qualities and my amazing mom. Now I am definitely my father's son. I am truly grateful for my dad. He is often able to vocalize things for me when I can't say them myself. I often marvel how he knows what I need to say at times when I can't. I hope to be half the man and father that my dad is.
I am so lucky to be surrounded by so many people who truly love me and care about me. Now I know everyone goes through moments when they want someone there and want to have a significant other. Lately that's how I have been feeling. I don't feel like I need one to get by, but I feel like I am truly ready to be in a relationship again. I feel like I can give of myself to another person. I have truly been able to learn to love myself again over the last 2 years now and have so many people to thank for that. I think I can finally get some sleep now. :D Writing is very therapeutic. I have thought about writing a book and have some ideas jotted down in a notebook. I also want to get back into song writing. I think I'm gonna start working on that this weekend. Anyway I think it's time to shut off the Laptop and head to bed so I'm not exhausted in the morning. Night
